How it feels to be immersed in my spouse’s culture

Isaac and Sarah are an engaged couple who are sheltering from corona on his parents’ (very) rural farm in Western Kenya. Sarah has been on the farm for 5 months and Isaac was in New Haven, CT with Sarah for 5 months last summer/ fall. Now they have a good sense of what it’s like to be immersed in eachother’s cultures. Here they share the challenges, the positives, the lessons learned and the fears they have during their experiences of cross cultural immersion.

Isaac shares…

Isaac, what are the challenges you face in the US?

The number one challenge is food. In the US it seems much of the food is served cold and it isn’t food I’m used to. For example, we never eat anything raw in Kenya- all vegetables are cooked thoroughly and almost everything is served hot and cooked at home. So salad, cold sandwiches and other foods are very new and not appetizing to me. Going to a restaurant becomes challenging because I don’t know the foods. I have to ask my fiancé to choose the food for me. I end up eating the same as her usually- mostly to calm the hunger, not because I enjoy it. So I prefer to cook meals at home when in the US.

Another challenge is that I’m afraid of moving around outside because I’m not familiar with the area, and I’m afraid to ask my way around because I don’t know how I’ll be perceived. Not many people move from place to place by walking so I don’t know the rules and worry I’ll make the mistake of walking in the wrong side or being given a ticket.

Also, back home in Kenya there are expectations from family and friends of what they think America is like. America is known to be the place of gold and riches. If one makes their way there they all of a sudden become very rich. Calling back home becomes stressful. The first question that greets me is: “What will you bring me?” or “send us money, you’re in America!” Trying to explain the limitations and challenges is a waste of time because people will think I’m being selfish and withholding all the wealth by coming up with excuses.

The pity I feel from white friends asking if I’m comfortable being black is another challenge. It makes me feel so insecure, making me realize black people are not usually comfortable. I would rather a question more generally asking about how I’m coping with being in a new culture.

Finally, the cold weather feels so very uncomfortable for me. I have to put on so many layers and it still feels cold.

Isaac, what do you like or appreciate about the US?

I feel there are opportunities in the many running races organized so I can live the dream I’ve always wanted of being a runner.

It’s also a non-judgemental society and so I feel my choices are respected. For example I feel free to wear my hair the way I want to. There isn’t as much expectation coming from the family traditions.

Also, the scenery and infrastructure is great. I’d love to bring back home how parks are conserved and I appreciate the well maintained roads.

Isaac, what are the values or lessons you learn from the US?

I love how parks and natural resources are valued and preserved and there are many around.

I also love how women are valued and opportunities are given equally to both men and women in education and careers. For example, my friend Claire is being ordained to be a priest soon.

I like the way the family unit seems stuck together- there’s frequent communication and openness. There is the openness to be true to what one is feeling.

Isaac, what do you fear most for Sarah while she is in Kenya?

Firstly, sickness. I fear that she might contract malaria and it gets worse because I don’t trust the health system. There are also people who make others sick by looking at them- the women with the evil eye. Therefore I fear her walking around and meeting with many people who might make her sick.

Also, there are places in the city where we can’t walk freely because I fear being robbed of valuable stuff. The perception of white people is that they have money and lots of it.

Sarah shares…

Sarah, what challenges you in Kenya?

Being in lockdown in a small rural village is the biggest challenge… the feeling of being trapped inside the confines of the compound without reliable access to internet and without electricity. My family here recommends that I keep my trips off the compound to a minimum and usually accompanied by someone else because they fear that some villagers could harm me or give me trouble.

Another huge challenge is the expectation that children provide for their parents financially, and the belief that muzungus (white people) will bring financial relief to literally every person who they meet. I am asked everywhere I go for money or gifts. How can I provide, especially when we have a small income and mounting immigration bills for Isaac… but at the same time how can we say no to providing food or shoes for someone who has none?

Another challenge is being on the equator at high altitude. These conditions means the sun is very strong and there is a big danger of sunburn. I have to take a lot of precautions by covering up my whole body and applying lots of suncream to my exposed areas. In addition, the only place to purchase sunscreen is about 2 hours away in a car and the small bottle costs the equivalent of feeding a family of 7 for over a week.

Finally, I just feel exhausted from all the expectations of financial provisions and not knowing the language. It often feels like a struggle to keep my head above water in social settings. As much as I want to go out and make friends and move freely, sometimes it feels too exhausting and is easier to stay around the house so I don’t have to be singled out or work so hard to understand the flow of conversation. It is showing me the extent of privilege I have in the US and a small window into challenges that non-white folx may experience in predominantly white spaces.

Sarah, what do you appreciate about Kenya?

I love living on a farm and having access to nature- animals, farmland, beautiful sounds of birds, etc. all day long. In addition it is calming to surrender to the cycle of the day as dictated by the sunrise and sunset. We rise with the animals and start slowing down with the setting sun.

I also really appreciate learning new and valuable life skills! I’m learning to collect water from a well, search for and collect firewood, light fires, cook on an open fire, wash clothing by hand, care for farm animals, cook a variety of new dishes (like chapati), prepare food from the seed to the plate- for example we planted beans when I arrived and are now harvesting, drying, peeling and cooking them.

Sarah, what lessons/ values have you learned in Kenya?

Hospitality! Always welcome visitors into the home with chai and any food that’s available. Visitors are welcome to stay as long as they like or need to.

Many in this village live on the edge of poverty, so reusing and being minimal with supplies and possessions is out of necessity. This life and the minimal access to things outside the land, is teaching me that I can and must do more with less- that way I can have more to share with others.

I have realized how few materials things I can live with. To get any supplies, the nearest market is an hour walk or the bigger town is 2 hours drive. We can’t access either place easily, and so I have survived with the supplies- clothing and shoes- that I packed 5 months ago and have only made a few very small purchases- I’ve prolonged the use of almost everything I brought far beyond what I’m used to. The shoes have lasted longer, I make the best use of each piece of dental floss, I make do without face and body cream and just use Vaseline for everything. Also, we buy a long kilogram bar of soap and it is cut into smaller pieces to be used for dishes, washing clothes, hands, and even the body. The same goes with food- I’m learning to keep it very simple and to rely almost entirely on the farm without lots of extra ingredients.

{pictured below- a standard meal- boiled green bananas and sweet potatoes. Harvested straight from the ground, into the boiling water and onto the plate- nothing else added}

I’m also learning from the community interdependence. The farms and households can not be operated without outside help and there are always others showing up to help- whether paid or unpaid. This also shows up in the way that family units live and share the same compound- in separate huts but sharing the cooking, and other chores so that they can provide for sometimes up to 20+ people.

Another value I appreciate is observing Sunday as a rest day- the sabbath. I like that all work pauses on this day and the pace is distinct from every other day of the week. Church, community, celebration and rest happen on Sundays!

I have learned to value my external appearance more and have been admonished for the amount of dirt on my feet! I’ve been taught to bring a piece of mosquito netting with me to shower so that I can scrub my feet. And then every few days I’m instructed to sugua (scrub) the bottom and sides of my feet on a rock. I didn’t know this but if you allow the dirt — especially this mud red earth — to build up on your feet it dries them out and starts to create cracks around the edges. To prevent the unfavorable cracks or lines, you vigorously scrub them on a rock and also daily with the netting.

It inspires me how “put together” and “tidy” everyone looks as they leave their houses for church, a function or even just to leave the village boundaries to go into the next town for shopping. I was never raised in a culture where I scrub my shoes or my feet, make sure there are zero stains, my hair is perfect, or my skin is glistening, clean and well oiled. Usually I just put on clothes that match and occasionally spend the time to wear a fancier outfit- but that is very rare and I usually wouldn’t worry too much if my shoes were a little dirty.

Sarah, what do you fear most for Isaac while in the US?

I worry that he’ll feel trapped inside the house as I feel here. Without the ability to drive or work initially, without a phone or close friends, and not knowing the area- I know it might feel challenging for him to feel independent.

I also worry about bringing him to live in predominately white neighborhoods where he might be judged or misunderstood and the sense of “otherness” or fear may further inhibit his ability to move around freely.

The other two big things are the food and weather. I know he really misses the familiarity, simplicity and predictability of the Kenyan diet when he’s in the US and I worry that he’ll lose weight.

Finally, the cold winters will be completely new to him- someone who wears two to three hoodies in 50s /and 60s degrees Fahrenheit. I hope he’ll be able to adapt and embrace the chill!